0617. (Sometimes)

I feel tortured. I don't believe in karma but if I did; this is payback for every horrible thing I've ever done in my life. When I'm here.. like this.... sore throat from almost 15 hours of on and off nausea w a metallic flavor of blood in my mouth,  swollen eyes, tender headed and hurting sore nostrils from nose bleeds..  feeling sooo ill... I think "nothing compares" "no pain or payback has ever felt worse" not anything. At this very moment.. I'm engulfed in hurt and confusion, I hate everything.

Everything-

And it doesn't matter who "understands, gets it, or agrees that I have the right to be angry" I dont want somebody to make it feel better all of the time or take it away...  sometimes I just want someone to be sad and scared with me rather than optimistic and hopeful. Sometimes. .. I'm just fucking angry and staying that way for a bit... brings me clarity.

Sometimes I hear nothing when someone is giving me advice; it's just bass in an exceedingly silent mute room. I daydream long enough I can feel my salty tears dry against my fatigued grey hued flesh. Sometimes, when I finally gain enough yearn to speak, I realize I shouldn't murmur a word from my dehydrated cracked lips because I may seem like a complete loss | psycho | downer. But sometimes... sometimes my words are the only thing that feels equivalent to a breath of crisp fresh air escaping a claustrophobic lockdown. I'm so very lucky to have the gift of a descriptive vocabulary cause I get to read my thoughts and feelings over and over... and over again. It's sad.

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And sometimes, I have a bad day.